Morning Glory

It is one of those mornings where I am up much earlier than I would have otherwise been. I think it has been in part due to the noise, but also more something to do with my nerves as well. I have to say that I like to think that I have some kind of inner peace, but I know that most of the time this is nothing more than a surface illusion. I need to think that I am well and somehow that is suppose to work. It has mostly to do with the thought that if you think positively enough then it will come to pass. Somehow this never seems to be what I find happens.
It's hard to think positive when you have thoughts like that. I try to combat that, but sometimes it just comes to be too much. That and with the constant changing of hormones due to medication, I can't really seem to control myself. And things seem to just bubble up. The last few days have been a very good example of that.
I want to be able to forget things in my past. I want to forget people that obviously have better things to do now. And I need to move on to the kind of people that will help me and love me as I am now. It is just hard to think that that could happen.
It also only seems human that since I have that in one person, I want that in more. The only thing is, it was so hard to find that in one person that it is very limited that it could happen in a friend and not in a companion.  I had that once, but I need to let that go.
It is that fear that makes me hold on so tightly to the one person that I fear is the only one I'll have. That is also the thing that I think makes things harder between us sometimes.
The most recent example is talking about spending Christmas eve with his family vs. mine. I have never missed a Christmas with my dad's side of the family. I go because I want to be with my family, but much of the time I feel like if I miss it I'll be pushed that much farther out. Being a quiet person in the midst of loud outgoing people, isn't the best of circumstances. Yet I continue to hope that somehow I'll fit into my own family.
My Boyfriend on the other hand is the kind of person that people love. And he is very close with certain parts of his family. As it happens, his favorite cousin's birthday is Christmas Eve and so of course he wants to go there to celebrate. Especially since it seems that he is just as uncomfortable around my family as I am, even if he is better at talking to people and being the person that someone can't help but to like.
I'm sure that the conflict is very easy to see here. He wants to be there and I would rather he be with me. This in turn led to a childish conflict on my part, pretty much ending with my crying and falling apart and him saying that he would go. But this isn't because he really wants too, but because I made him feel like such crap about it. And now that is just plain awful on my part.
But this has become just too common as I hold onto the only person that I feel supports me much of the time. I feel like I can't be on my own anymore and that is through my own insecurity.
I know these things, but like much in my life, I don't really know how to handle it. It is through this self awareness that I hate how my brain works when there is nothing that I can find to make it work.
And I guess I may as well update the rest of the happenings in my life. Wisdom tooth removal. I don't there is anything more to say than that. Then there is the matter of my car...my water pump failed.
Now this means nothing to me as an artist. I don't know things about cars. I just know how to make it go, as I say. But apparently the water pump is a very important system in a car.
And now every time I drive it, steam pours out and I feel like white trash. This is something that needs to be fixed immediately. So today I'm going to be calling a bunch of garages and trying to find a price that is reasonable. 
WISH ME LUCK