Fears

Over the last few days something has been weighing on me. My would be sister-in-law just had a baby, one of my close friends from high school is having a baby, and a friend of mine now has a one year old. Being someone with Endometriosis, thinking about children is something that happens a lot. Even if it isn't, my gyno sure loves to ask about it every time I go to cover some kind of problem I have been happening.
I write this as someone who is young and doesn't really know what they want out of life and feels like some times, life isn't going to let me decide. I don't know if I want kids. When I was younger, I thought it was something that every woman did, that was just life. As a teenager, you were told to do anything but have a baby and I couldn't stand the thought of having a watermelon basically being pushed out of my body. For those of you that have done it, I commend you. But now, I don't know what it i
s that I want.
Visiting these people with babies, make me kind of want to have one. I want to have someone that depends on me so much and who I will love for the rest of my life. A person that will be a part of the person that I love most in the world, that is after we finally get married. We'll see how that plan goes first. So much school first, but being someone that sits on their choices for a long time, it is something that has been on my mind with all these new little people here and coming.
On the other hand, I really fear what having a child could mean. This is someone that I would want to protect from things in the world that I have found to be awful. Yes, there are beautiful things, but as a parent, I would fear for them. This is something that I have learned from my own mother.
But mostly, I can only think of having a little girl. It is a thing in my family, that the women who marry out tend to have boys. But in my boyfriend's family, the boys there always have girls. Don't get me wrong, a blessing is a blessing, but we all have those fantasies from time to time.
If I had a little girl though, what would her life be like? Would she too have this same problem that I'm going through right now? Will I be taking her to the doctor when she is 19 or even younger and planning to drive her to the hospital for her first laparoscopy? It is a scary thought.

And then there is the last option. I don't know yet, and I'm a little afraid to find out if I could never have a baby. The one thing that a woman's body is built to do and I may not be able to do it. It is more the idea of not being in control of my body and what it does that is the scariest thing. If I didn't chose to use that power, that is one thing, that is my choice. But having that option taken away...I can't even express how much I have cried for myself and that their are women who know this is a reality.
The only real way I deal with this, is by talking to women who understand. Sadly the ones in my life, don't want to be open or don't know how to express it. So I go to this website, Endo Support. The women here are more beautiful and strong than anyone I know. We all suffer from this monster known as Endometriosis. She is fearsome and terrible, but we keep going on.